Welcome to the Show!

Welcome to the Show!
This is the story of my life.
It isn't much, but it is mine. It can be a zoo.

Please keep your hands and feet tucked in at all times.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Parenting 101: You Are Doing It Wrong

Did you know that if you want to learn to take care of children you should learn to take care of your boss? I recently found out I have been walking around with the wrong ideas in my head for years! I am so ashamed. If I hadn't been shown the error of my ways, there is no telling how my future children would have been raised. I feel like I should be writing this knowledge down. Therefore, I've made a list of what should be the hottest new child rearing preparation lessons. This is 100% free folks! You are welcome.

1. The boss/child wants everything they ask for ten minutes ago. Regardless of how pointless, or important the demand is, your job as a parent/employee is to cater to their every command. No matter if it's cookies before dinner, or finding out why the mailman was late bringing the mail today. Just do it, now.

2. Your boss/child is to be coddled and soothed during raging temper tantrums. Rush around and do everything you possibly can to make them happy. It doesn't matter what started it or how irrational the behavior is. Do not try reasoning or defending yourself, that's not your place.

3. Your boss/child is the only person you should pay attention to. Ever. You should train your ears to only listen to and for the sound of their voice. Sonic hearing aids could help in this. Do what you must, but never be caught not listening to or hanging on their every word. If at any point you are perceived as not paying attention, but you really are listening, you are still not paying attention.

4. Your boss/child tells you what to do, how to do it, and how long it should take. If you didn't do it right the first time, you weren't listening to a thing they said. If you think weren't told to do something or how to do it, you are wrong. They surely told you, you just weren't listening.

5. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Your boss/child has an open door policy. Just don't expect the response you get to be without eye rolling or a visible show of aggravation because they must take the time to explain. This relates to rule 4 especially.

6. Your child/boss doesn't make special time for you every day. Don't interrupt play time or quiet time for your questions or issues. If you do happen to interrupt them, you deserve the reprimand/ lecture that will inevitably follow.

7. If you should need to take care of something that doesn't revolve around your boss/child be prepared to take a guilt trip. This is almost always followed by a closed door dissertation on the importance of your loyalty to your boss/child. You must be reminded of who you work for and or take care of.

8. If someone should ask you a question in front of your child/boss, make sure to direct all questions to them. You haven't been doing this long enough to answer questions. Refer to rules 4 and 5.

9. Being friends with another employee/parent from a different department/play group is not prohibited, but strongly cautioned against. If you should choose to have a friendship with another employee/parent, a warning will be issued in a closed door dissertation on the importance of your loyalty to your boss/child.

10. Part of your job as an employee/parent is to take accountability for things not in your control or responsibility. If someone needs to be blamed quickly for issues or the diffusion of a situation, it will be you. Take the blame like a champ and never refuse to shoulder the blame. You took this job as an employee/parent. You signed the scapegoat forms when you signed the application/birth certificate/ adoption papers. If you didn't read that part, that's your fault too. You weren't paying attention.

Of course this list is complete b.s. for those who can't tell I'm being sarcastic. I really was told that I should be able to take care of my boss if I want to be able to properly take care of children. No lie. I didn't say anything to the person who told me this. I just walked away. I find I express my anger and outrage at one of the most ridiculous pieces of advice I've ever heard best in sarcasm.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Another Window Catastrophe, Lucky Me.

It's been a while. I feel like I have abandoned my favorite toy. But I have been super extra incredibly busy, and while I have started many posts, I have yet to sit down and finish one. But this one is different. This one will be published. It's time for my world to slow down once again. This weekend I only have cleaning to worry about. My grand cleaning plan includes vacuuming every surface, and spraying it down with a fine layer of bleach. The baby shower is officially over and done with, and it was wonderful. Now it's time to sit back and wait for the baby to arrive. This time next week, my sister is leaving for New Zealand with her husband, so that means my Piggy nephew will be in need of entertainment while he is staying with my parents. I am thinking of going to the movies, and other fun sundries we can get ourselves into. 

In other news, I am no longer a temporary employee. After four months, and a few days, I will officially be an employee of my company. I have mixed feelings about it. I know that the salary they will be offering me won't even be close to the salary that I am used to getting, and no where near what my position's salary should be. I have interviewed for another job and the price was right, but the feeling from the office was not. I certainly don't feel like jumping from the pan into the fire with yet another crazy boss, and a big question mark over the permanence of my position. Instinct has told me quite a bit over the years, and surprisingly, I have often been correct. So I am still looking for the job that has it all, brains, looks, and money. 

Don't get me wrong, the people in my office are mostly kind, and they appreciate my work. But I haven't made this little in pay since I was fresh in the insurance business. I was desperate to keep a pay check when I found this place, and I do not regret my decision. But the stress of this position and the lacking in pay make it easy to say thanks, but no thanks. I still feel some odd sense of loyalty, but it isn't enough to entertain other job offers. I am grateful for the opportunity, but it's not a good match. I still dread the moment I have to tell them that I am leaving. I'm such a sucker. 

I have confirmed my bad luck with windows in my toaster. First the automatic window motors died one after the other, and now my rear passenger window was shattered by a rock while I was driving home last week. it scared the ba-jesus out of me! It sounded like a gunshot, and a constant stream of profanity was coming out of my mouth. It's a shock I didn't wreck. I was extremely happy I didn't have passengers at the time. They would have been covered in glass. I finally had the window replaced today. I don't carry anything expensive, but the thought that all someone had to do was push through the cardboard window or lift some tape to violate my personal belongings isn't nice. I mean, I already live with one man who violates my personal space, and he's my husband. That's good enough for me!