Welcome to the Show!

Welcome to the Show!
This is the story of my life.
It isn't much, but it is mine. It can be a zoo.

Please keep your hands and feet tucked in at all times.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Beebs Gets a Break

He's been chasing me for a month, draining me of blood and money!
Finally, I think I am done being chased by the medical monster I unleashed on myself. I've seen all of my doctors, met new ones, been biopsied, scoped, poked, palpitated, dilated, medicated, educated, conjugated, violated, and interrogated. My body is an open book. If you want to know how many times I passed gas last night I am sure, someone, some where took count. All that running from the medical monster has taken a total of 36 lbs from me so far. I know I have lost weight, but I don't see it yet. I know the numbers don't lie, and my clothes fit bigger, but for some reason the woman I see in the mirror looks the same. I still have a long road ahead of me, but now it isn't unknown, I know what needs to be done in order to get better. Let's just hope nothing else pops up, right?

Yes. A group of women are responsible for this... believe it!

This past weekend, my sister and I battled with 15 other teams for our shot a local barbequing glory. We had fun all day long. We didn't place, but with a few adjustments to our time, and our brisket size, I think we can win that trophy with the little pit on the top that is labeled "1st place". Last year we had a baby pit, and fire issues, this year we had the Porsche of pits, and itty bitty meat lumps. Our brisket may have been overcooked, but the flavor was unmistakably yummy. My hat goes off to the super sweet man who helped us move our luxury liner of a pit before he could even get started cooking on his gas grill.Yes, I said he cooked a brisket on the gas grill, and went onto win 3rd place no less. Next year I plan on breaking out my roaster just so I can see if I can give the pits a run for their money. We BBQ'n B*tches and our dear friends the Boobie-ques may not have placed, but we had fun. Can't wait to do it all over again next year!!

Mr. Pigglesworth being the handsome ham as usual.

Here we are at the leading edge of June. Half of the year is gone! I can't believe it myself. Just yesterday I was shoving Halloween into the available nooks and crannies into my house, and setting up my Christmas village and what not. Two more months and it's time to drag the bulk of Halloween out again, and start the extremely long process of  designing and setting up Mad Lab 2012. June is broken up by 1. Mr. Pigglesworth's birthday, and separate birthday party 2. Father's day 3. Mom's birthday. All of which are sardine canned into 11 days. But those days will be a welcomed distraction from the rest of my world that has involved a month and a half of medical/life drama enough to fuel a season of Nurse Jackie, or so it feels. Race you to the pool! This summer is just getting started. I plan on enjoying it as much as I can!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Never Eating Jello Again

 Click this link to learn the reason why I am never eating jello again.

**Shudders** Any-who... This coming weekend, my sister and I will be knee deep in dry rub, and sending our sweet smelling mesquite smoke across the Bluff, in our attempt at winning this years Memorial day brisket cook off at a local bar. My sister and I teamed up last year, and we did okay, but didn't win. Despite the fact that I can't eat brisket due to the fat content of the meat, I know what tastes good, and we shall be victorious! This year we have a better plan, and we will have two briskets on the pit to choose from. Also, we got upgraded from using a stand alone pit, to specifically designed trailer, that my brother in law made. High class meat charring! Yee-haw!
She is eating high class BBQ. Note the extended pinky.
In 3 weeks, my Mr. Pigglesworth is going to turn 7. Of course I asked him what he would like for his birthday, and his list included a dirt bike, go cart, boat, and a plane. I am not sure if I should be amused at his enthusiasm for vehicles, or scared he is planning for the great escape. I figure if I get him something with wheels, or that at least moves, and he will be pleased. We also have a family picture coming up on a couple of weeks. This will be the first (professional) one since my sister and I were married. That was our mother's day gift to our mother. All 8 of us, in coordinating outfits, crammed together, smiling into the camera hoping that this is the camera that makes you lose 10 pounds instead of gaining it.  As gaggy as it sounds, we may be crazy, sometimes dysfunctional, but we sure do love each other. I can't wait to see the picture. In anticipation of the event, I have gone through the catalog of family photo poses and outfits to decide on the best options.
You can see them here.

Can't decide! I really want our photo to be memorable!
In other health news, I had fried food (a very tiny amount) for the first time since I got sick, and my body said:

So I figured, my body knows what it is doing, I should stop messing with it. But after a chat with my sister in law, and going over the pills that I am taking, and the diagnoses I've been given, I have decided that :
I take my pills, test my blood sugar, eat healthy meals, go to my doctors appointments, and don't cry when the doctor needs another blood sample, and yet still, I am left wondering what, who, when, where, and why. So far, I have been able to connect a couple dots, but none of the medical professionals that I pay through the nose to, for 10 minutes of doctor time have. I figure, as long as I am feeling good, I am okay. I have a feeling the one doctor that I haven't seen yet, but I have a date with next week, will be able to give me some knowledge. Is it odd that she is my "female" doctor? Maybe, but that woman doesn't leave the room unless you have asked a few questions. She has been more clear, concise, and caring than any doctor I have had the pleasure of paying. Until then, I have the internet. But according to the internet, and my symptoms:
Not really. (I hope!)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Does This Mean I Get To Meet B.B. King??

Women's intuition is rarely wrong. I had a feeling my doctor and I would be having this discussion, and so we did, just this morning. But I am not freaked out or upset by it. Honestly, I am already eating healthy, and now I have a pill to take. Oh, and I have one of those nifty machines (just like BB King uses!) that I have to test with. I will have classes, and sessions, discussions, and educations with my family, my doctors, my insurance companies, and my friends. This ain't no thang. I will keep doing what I am doing, and in a years time, I hope the doctor can remove me from the medication. Also, I'm not just fat, it is also glandular! Apparently my thyroid levels are high, and now I have a pill for that too. No more fad diets for me. I've got pancreatitis, diabetes, and hyporthyroidism to keep me in line. I am a walking sack of medical woes. But I did it to myself, unless someone injected me with eattoomuchbadfood serum. Since I am pretty sure that doesn't exist, I don't have to add to my list of people that I'm gonna kill.;-)

Well, thankfully, since diabetes is sadly common, there is much information in the world that I can go through and learn more about what I need to do to be healthier. I know the first thought is "No more sugar!" but that isn't true. Much less sugar, yes. No sugar? Hell to the no! Also, I have heard the gem from a few people that think that diet drinks cause diabetes too. Well, if that were the case, I would have been dead years ago. I am addicted to diet drinks. I would rather drink water than try to suffer through sipping a regular coke. Ick! But according to the "experts" they did a "study" and the results said that when you go to drink a diet coke, your brain tells your pancreas "Something sweet is coming in!" and your pancreas says "My god! Scotty, release insulin stores at maximum capacity!" and over time, your body becomes resistant to the extra insulin, and viola, you are diabetic. But thankfully, it doesn't work like that. After researching this theory, even if it sounds plausible, it was a theory that has been proven wrong. Now, that's not to say that diet drinks are the poster children of a healthy life, but they aren't commie card carrying, diabeetus causing, commies either. So relax, have a diet coke. I know I am!! 

So in conclusion, I am okay. Last week, I was more stressed about the whole affair, because adding one more thing to my list of medical B.S. seemed ridiculous. But I added TWO things, and honestly, it isn't cancer (again), and these aren't the worst things I could have been diagnosed with medically. I'm already on the right path, I just need to continue to walk it. My family and friends are more than supportive, and besides my own determination, that's all I really need. It will be okay. Right Frittle?? lol

Friday, May 11, 2012

Pass Happy Pills Or Some Fries

Well this week has been a doosey. It seems as if stress has been my middle name at work and home. Thankfully this week has come to an end. Next week the office Nazi is on vacation, and I am ready to enjoy it!  No one will be foaming at the mouth if we walk in the door at 8:01, or sending me e-mails and then immediately asking me if I got that e-mail. Now if I could get the rest of the supervisors to take off for next week, it would be like a vacation at the office! I hardly think I would have such luck, but I will keep my fingers crossed anyway.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, and Sunday too. I have two birthday parties on Saturday and two Mother’s days to celebrate. Everyone gets fat free pudding, and a card made out of tissue paper. That’s about all the energy I have left to give. Maybe tonight I can muster up more energy, but for now, this is the best I can think of. These are the days I miss having a rum and coke. These are also the days I miss being able to say “I don’t feel like cooking, let’s go to Burger King.” The absolute hardest part is telling myself, “No! You cannot stop at Whataburger and get a number one with cheese and a diet coke!” I can only console myself with my veggie patties, and fat free cheese. While I am adjusting to the changes we have had to make, I am struggling internally with not being able to smother my stress with fat. That’s basically what I have been doing all these years. I am an emotional eater. I don’t have to be sad to be hungry for all things off limits. I could be as happy as a clam at high tide being with my family, we put on a spread of epic proportions, and we all chow down. Now, I have to have my “special food” and everyone has to ask me if I can eat this, that, or the other thing. My mom makes amazing potato salad, and I couldn’t have any. Each tablespoon of regular mayo has 12 grams of fat. There is more fat in one tablespoon of mayo than I eat in an entire meal. That is usually 2 meals worth of fat, in 1 tablespoon!!

Even though I know I can’t eat what ever I want anymore, that doesn’t mean my brain immediately said, “Alright! Change in diet, okay no problem.” It was more like:

Brain: “Uh okay, I don’t like the pain, but I still get cake right?”
Yes you can still have cake brain, but it’s going to be made with yogurt and other fat free things, and it won’t be the triple ripple chocolate cake of chocolaty death you are thinking about.

Brain: “Okay, well what about going to the movies and getting a bucket of popcorn and a pickle??”
Um, nope. Sorry. No more popcorn from the theater. One large popcorn has no less than 30 grams of fat, that’s without butter.  

Brain: “Fine! Well at least a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!”
Ah, yea, about that, even the reduced fat peanut butter has 6 grams of fat in a tablespoon. So you want to spend an entire meal’s worth of fat on ONE tablespoon of peanut butter?? I didn’t think so!

A chicken pot pie from KFC? No. Can I eat at any restaurant? Not for a while. CAN I HAVE DIET COKE?! Yes. FINALLY!! SOMETHING! 

 And so my internal struggle rages on. I get to see the doctor Tuesday, and I'm pretty sure that he's going to tell me to curb the carbs, and remove all sugar, which will leave me with lettuce, air, and cardboard on my "safe things to eat" list.Got any good recipes for those?? I think I may want to give up on food entirely, and get a feeding tube. That way they can perfectly balance my nutrient intake, and I can take it easy knowing I won't have any further issues. Who needs things with flavor and texture anyway?? 

 Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there! I hope your kids let you rest, and your husband cooks you dinner and cleans the house. Or that you at least dream all that happened when you pass out from exhaustion.  

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

May the Olestra Be Ever in Your Favor

Read the label carefully. Beware the Olean/Olestra!!!!
 In case you were wondering, it is officially May 1st. There is no escaping it. We are almost halfway through 2012. I can’t tell if that is a good or a bad thing. Since my hospital stay, it seems to me that time has been flying by even faster. I think I may have more doctors’ appointments than social engagements on my calendar now. I feel like a popular pincushion. This week is no exception. They have requested more blood, and other various samples from me, and because I am scared shitless of being locked up in the hospital again, I will give them anything they want. I am also very nervous about eating anything with more than 2 grams of fat per serving. So now food our bill is even higher, and my selections are limited. Thankfully, my parents decided that they would do some fat free / low fat shopping for me too, and that has been a life saver. Although, just FYI, anything fat free, that was cooked in Olean/ Olestra is NOT good for someone who is already in gastric distress. We don’t need to get into details, but let’s be sure that we steer clear. No really, don’t even buy them. 

Isn't this fun?! Apparently not...
So the weekend before pancreatitis took over my body and mind, we had a lovely normal weekend. We went to a wedding, and then to the air show with two of my nephews. We had a good time, but I realized two very important things while we were there. My first realization was that we have raised him to be a prince. We hadn’t been in the gate more than 5 minutes, and he already had me carrying nachos and a coke. Then, he was very concerned that we didn’t have chairs to sit in. When we were kids, not having chairs to sit in wouldn’t have been on my mind. We were in the presence of some spectacular airplanes. We saw a bus with a jet on it; the Blue Angels flew over our heads! A chair wasn’t needed or necessary. We had shade, and he had nachos, a drink, and a toy plane. This day should have been epic for him. But maybe turning 7 is too close to adult status. He didn’t even muster a smile for the camera as he and I got to sit in an actual Blackhawk helicopter! He seemed unimpressed. That was my second realization; he is already getting that “I’m too cool” attitude. I have photographic evidence! 

2 Cool 4 U, or Smiles

It makes me sad that he is already drifting into that stage. Thankfully, he hasn’t fallen over into the bratty kid abyss. Just this past weekend, he and I were playing “cops” and “shark attack” in the pool. He made me be the boat, as he climbed on my back, and he paddled his feet and made motor-like sounds. Ah, the fun little boy was mine for a short while. That is, until the love of his life who lives next door to my parents showed her pretty little elfin like features. After that I was “Auntie who?” and his beautiful golden haired mermaid came over an edged me out of the pool. I played second fiddle to a second grader. Shameful!! I can’t blame her; he is extremely handsome and dynamic. But that girl better watch it. I don’t like sharing! 

This is my baby!

Last but not least, I want to make sure that everyone knows how fabulously supportive my family and friends have been through out this ordeal. From my husband taking care of my dogs, and spending as much free time as he could with me in the hospital, to my sister who bought me half of Walmart to try to make me more comfortable, and like my parents, visiting every day. Not to mention my Sister in Law Leeann for sending flowers, and making overprotective phone calls. Also, the flowers and late night texting from a sister from another mister in Virginia who was there to chat with me when every one else had gone home. Last but not least the numerous friends and family on Facebook that left me messages, and words of encouragement. I know I didn’t list everything done for me since all of this medical drama has started, but I want you to know I DO appreciate it, and I love you all for being there for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so awesome. It is more than one girl deserves! 

The beautiful flowers that made my room less sterile and smelled lovely.

I really couldn't fit this in my post today, but I didn't want it to go to waste either. I have to make a public service announcement to women going to airshows in South Texas in late April. First of all, unless you are new to the area, most people catch on that we don't have mild springs. Our weather goes from hot to cold and back without much transition. We expect spring to be slightly less hot than summer, but no less muggy and windy. The second thing you need to remember, is that 1000 + people come to the airshow, parking is free, but there is a bit of a walk, and none of it is shaded. That being said, proper attire is key. Cool, loose fit clothing, and good walking shoes are a must. Hat, sunglasses, and sunblock too. But this should be common sense right? I know to some single ladies, you might see this as an opportunity to flash your goods and possibly attract some "hot fly boy action". But I didn't see that going down on the tarmac that was at least  99 degrees and with wind blowing around 40 mph. Also, men are there to look up at the planes, not down at you dressed as a hoochie on parade. I mean, I get that you want attention, but all you got was people shaking their head, and pitying at your stupidity. Next year, don't be so fashion conscious, and be genuine. You don't want someone who's first impression of you was "hooker" anyway.

I was shocked when I saw this lady. WTF were you thinking?!