Welcome to the Show!

Welcome to the Show!
This is the story of my life.
It isn't much, but it is mine. It can be a zoo.

Please keep your hands and feet tucked in at all times.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The End Is Nigh, and Whatnot!

The kid and the pool have both grown!
Happy Wednesday Y'all! I have a very important announcement before we get started: My nephew has declared that Papa will be opening the pool for swimming this weekend! Of course this means that I am required to attend the opening gala barbeque. My date can't decide on his angry birds t-shit or the one that says "Hot Dog It's Friday"! I am of course, required to match. I wonder if he will be providing the fun noodles or if I will. I must call him when he gets out of school and verify. Time to get some spf 50 and polish my sunglasses.

This is how we die....
So, here we are at the very end of March, and once again, doomsday is back on my mind. Why? Because everywhere I look, there is a new movie, a new book, a new special on television, and let's not forget the choking numbers of online videos that range from laughable to intriguing. I keep an open mind. I read, I watch to some extent, and I listen. Just yesterday I was received an impromptu lesson on Nibiru (aka Planet X) and the predictions and possibilities that come with it. A couple days before that, I read a short story called Renewal my friend sent me,  a few days before that I watched The Hunger Games, and the week prior I watched Book of Eli. They all had the same theme, the world will end, and it will be bad. If you survive, you will most likely wish you didn't. Oh sure, there are utopia-like places to seek refuge in, but they come with their own evils. It is enough to overwhelm. It is an avalanche of information, most of which is purely made up.

Whoa. Dude!
So yes, I know it is shocking, but people are totally fabricating their "solid evidence" that the world is ending in some spectacularly farfetched stories about aliens, and a moon dragon named Bronco. Oh yes, get your tinfoil hats ready folks! When the mother ship comes to take us back to the Rainbow Makers, we will be leaving everything but our brains behind, and in order for our brains to time travel properly, we need to buy foil helmets. How do I know all this? Because the Rainbow Makers speak to me in my dreams, and sometimes after I have too many beers. See how easy this is?! If I had enough followers buying into my "theories" then I could make a YouTube video, and get paid by my sponsors for every click I get. Oh wait! I'm sorry? Did you think I was serious? Oh, lol, you are so silly! I was really just praying on your natural gullibility, for my own profit.

I call this one "Icarus".  For only $300, it comes in your choice of dull or shiny!
 I'm just saying, don't buy into everything you see and hear. I was reading an article in National Geographic that stated there have been more than a few people contemplating suicide prior to "dooms day" so they won't have to suffer through the end. Don't be frightened by all these scare tactics. You need to remember that most of these people are making things up as they go, and are looking to make easy money. Don't buy into it, and remember to think rationally. Spending $1000 on a seed bank for you and your family might seem like a great idea now, but I say hold that thought. Plus, unless you know what you are doing with those seeds, you are better off buying some foil in bulk and making hats like I am. We can sit back in 2013 with our obscene fortunes laughing at those who spent their life savings on underground bunkers. If the world does end, well we won't be here to wish we had that seed bank, will we?? Exactly.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Bunnies, Bacon, and Babes

Has anyone else noticed that it is already March 19th?? Who is sitting on the remote? Get off! 3 more weeks and we will be hiding eggs and roasting some pork product in celebration of spring, and bunnies that rise from the grave… or something like that.

Zombie Bunnies. Yea, that's the ticket!

So, this past weekend was gone in a flash, but it brought to light two very important things: cucumber mojitos are amazing, and don’t go cheap on the beef.  Friday night, I made homemade pot pies, and then wrapped up my evening with a few drinks with my sister and her family. I have officially opened spring/summer 2012 with refreshing mojitos. I kissed the whiskey, and put her to bed until this fall, when it is time to change back. You know what that means right? Yes. I declare spring has sprung! I don’t care that the spring equinox is tomorrow, I say it’s here!  My second lesson of the weekend is if you are faced with a crappy selection of beef at your local supermarket, don’t shrug and settle. Go elsewhere, and save yourself some disappointment. I didn’t do this, and ended up with beef hockey pucks wrapped in bacon. 

Makes a great doggy chew toy. Not meant for human consumption.

 So now I am itching to barbeque, and feel like the gas grill, while easy to operate, and very familiar to me, isn't going to be enough. I crave the tantalizing flavors of slow smoked meat. The gas grill isn't meant for slow and low, it is meant for quick and easy things.  I've done low and slow in a roaster, and you know what? It isn't the same. It doesn't matter the seasonings or the sauce, marinades, rubs, or sop. If you don't have the charcoal and wood, you just have a poor imitation of barbeque. I have a sudden desire to be excellent at charring meats. I'm not sure why I skipped getting a bonsai tree, or painting as a new hobby. I know, I am weird like that. But barbequing is something my father does, and  his father did too. It is typically a guy activity, but that never stopped me before. Plus, my husband makes better 'tator salad than I do, by far, so it should be up to me to serve something worthy of his side dish.  

Sorry to burst your.... No Santa. No Bunny. Just money!
Other than adding another item to my growing list of hobbies, the next event on my radar is Easter, and a special Mother's Day gift that my nephew and I need to work on for his mommy. Hopefully, he can actually keep a secret this time. Even if he doesn't, it will still be special. I wish I could say more, but Crissy will read this, and I won't be the one who let the cat outta the bag this time! As for Easter, well the traditions will be kept. Hide eggs, eat, and play. But I want to do something special too. Hayden is turning 7 this year, and while I know that he isn't growing up any faster than human biology normally calls for, I kinda feel like we are running out of years where the Easter bunny and Santa are real. When are these holidays going to cease to be magical?? When Hayden tells me that he confirmed Santa isn't real, I may cry. Threatening him with Santa if he isn't behaving works so well. What kind of life will we lead without the threat of Santa?! I'm off to brood about this, and try to get Monday off my plate. I always feel better about a week when I finally get Monday behind me. Not that there isn't another around the corner, but still. It feels like an accomplishment!

Monday, March 12, 2012


This weekend, I got to take a small glimpse at myself 15 years ago while I was looking through an old friends collection of pictures and year books. While I am still independent and ready for fun as ever, my cussing habit has changed. It has become a little less “shock factor” and more traditional, thank goodness. In place of the gothic makeup during the month of October, we decorate our garage and house in celebration. Instead of chasing nerds, I married one. It's funny, but I can’t remember much of those days. Sadly, the strongest memories I have usually involve me doing something embarrassing, and thankfully those stories will stay in a very small circle, and will never ever be retold, unless they wish to be tortured by a true redneck’s daughter. I KNOW WHERE Y’ALL LIVE!!!

Being a free spirited and independent person was all that mattered to me. I wish I could go back in time and tell that version of me that while I won’t always make the best choices in the beginning, I will eventually figure out my mistakes, and correct them. I used to think that there were parts of my past I wish I could erase, but now I know how completely altered I would be if I hadn’t gone through the things I had. If I ever get the chance to have a teenage daughter, I will be able to give her advice that I might have had a use for myself back then.

1. Your family is the most important thing on this planet. If your family doesn’t like your boyfriend (and that includes your bratty little siblings) then you won’t be happy with him, no matter how in love you think you are. 

2. Abstinence is my first suggestion. But since I’m not an idiot, and I know that I can’t stop you, the rule is: condoms and birth control pills at the same time. No ifs ands or buts. Also, for good measure, you have to a study a color illustrated book of STDs every night before you go out, and you get to watch all seasons of Teen Mom back to back. If that isn’t enough birth control and protection, I don’t know what is.

3. Do what you do for you, and no one else. Don’t follow someone else in their misguided attempts in order to fit in. Screw peer pressure. You are above that, and don’t let anyone else ever tell you differently.

4. As my father used to tell me when something went down hill, “This too shall pass”. Drama happens. You will lose boyfriends, and friends along the way. Sometimes it won’t make any sense, but let it go, and be at peace with it. They are just leaving so someone better can fit into your life.

5.  Be kind and loving. Forgive, and forget, and that goes double for yourself. You will make mistakes, and while there are some that can’t be fixed, most can. Be humble, ask for help when you need it, and love yourself as much as you love everyone else. You deserve it.

It probably isn’t what you would tell your own child, but I don’t plan on letting my teenager make my mistakes. She can make her own; I just want her to be a little better informed than I was. Who knows if I will ever have the chance to impart this knowledge on anyone. Maybe some day I will be adapted for use with my nephews and niece.  There is nothing like your parent or loved ones horror story of a cautionary tale to set you on the strait and narrow. My future children’s cheeks are already blushing…

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Drama is for Llamas

Just call me jailbird. Tweet, tweet.
I want to rail at the injustice of it all! Today would be a great day to be outdoors, and I am stuck with a tiny sliver of blue freedom peeking out of the top of the door that is my only view to the world right now. 8-5 I am chained to my dilapidated desk until lunch. If I choose to take my lunch and eat at the nearest park, it is almost the worst kind of torture having to come back at 1pm, and close the shackle around my ankle. But I do this to help my husband and I to keep our comfortable lifestyle. It must be done. 

Today I have much on my mind, and a few words to get off my chest. I was born with a strong and active mothering instinct. I have no children, and may never, but I cannot help my need to act as a mother would. When I was in high school, my mom accused me of spending more time mothering my friends than I did paying attention in class. I can't help it, it is compulsory. I still find myself trying to be a mother to my friends. I also have lots of animals in my house to take care of. I love taking care of people, being an emotional anchor for them to hold onto, and to give the best advice I can. I want everyone to be happy, and to bake cookies with them on rainy days! I want to be June Cleaver and Aunt Bea rolled into one. But sometimes even I realize when someone needs the cookies and comfort taken away so they can grow a pair. Because enabling a grown person to be dependent upon you for situations they can easily handle themselves, will always end badly for you in one way or another. 

What it boils down to is my distaste for drama, especially unnecessary drama.  We can't all escape drama. It is like running from poo particles. You can't, because they are everywhere. But I surely don't want to open the bathroom door and take a big sniff after that guy who ate the giant gas station burrito for lunch was in there. But over reacting to something small and insignificant is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. Serious medical issues? I give you permission to react as you wish. But taking the sniffles and turning them into a possible case of mesothelioma, I draw the line. I'm not sure if you received your medical degree from Web MD, or  you were raised to think that a bloody nose means brain hemorrhage. Either way, tone it down!

I am not above internal paranoia. I worry, and I fret. But I don't drag unnecessary people into a situation, and go out of my way to make a mountain out of a mole hill.  I try to approach a situation that has me freaking out with a level head, and as much information as I can. What I don't know I research, and when in need, an expert is consulted. Otherwise, losing sleep over something small is pointless and exhausting. I know not everyone approaches stressful situations in  this manner, but they could if they tried. There would be much less unnecessary drama in the world. Wouldn't that be nice?