Welcome to the Show!

Welcome to the Show!
This is the story of my life.
It isn't much, but it is mine. It can be a zoo.

Please keep your hands and feet tucked in at all times.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Eww! Snow!! Gross!!!!

You know what I heard on the TV this morning? The weatherman predicted possible snow flurries. I almost choked on my delicious coffee. I live in South Texas. We do not get snow. Well we did once, but that is because Steve asked me to marry him. (That’s another story) Also, that was 6 years ago! It had been over a hundred years since the last time we had snow here. I can deal with every 100 years, not every 6 years.  If I wanted snow, I would move further north. I haven’t, and I don’t want to. I hate the cold.  Snow, ugh! People in Corpus drive like complete idiots in the rain, if you let them drive in snow I can imagine it will look like this on SPID:

There is nothing in this world that could get me to drive in that weather, short of my Husband, Parents, Sister, Nephews, Best friend, or any of our animals. Okay, so basically I would go out if someone I love needed me to. Otherwise, it can wait till the snow clears.

Other than the shocking news of possible snow, I had a busy weekend being an April-sized pin ball. I spent time with my sister, and then hung out with a friend, spent time with my Hubby, and again, with my sister, then the sister (again), and then the nephew, and then the hubby, all in that order.  It was fun, and exhausting. I went to the local farmer’s market for the first time on Saturday with my friend. It was actually pretty cool. They didn’t have many booths, but I did pick up some cool stuff to try. Not to mention the sweetest carrots I have ever had the pleasure of chewing on. They were seriously wonderful. I can’t wait to go get more next weekend.

I do have a rather packed schedule for next weekend too. Super Bowl Sunday is coming, and while the Hubby and I never watch football, we are having a party. The event was instigated by one of my brother in laws, who for reasons unknown to me, decided that our house was perfect for him and his buddies to come over and eat us out of house and home. The hubby cares not. He loves it when we put on a spread. Nothing excites him more than to eat nachos, chicken wings, and other greasy goodies unabashedly. I guess that means I better call HEB and order a vat of Maalox. Indigestion city here we come!!!

Friday, January 21, 2011

From Zero to B*tch in 3.2 Paragraphs

You know what I realized today? Blogging isn't as easy as it looks. If you have something to say, or have a story to tell, then it comes pretty naturally. What are you supposed to do when you don't have anything interesting to say? I could make something up, but then I have too many people that read this that could call me out on it. What fun is there if I get called out for writing fiction? That's just no fun. Sometimes, there just isn't anything interesting going on that I feel I need to inform any one of. But maybe that is a good thing. I chalk it up to being 30 years old, and in a committed relationship for 8 years. I'm not saying that life is boring, it is actually just the way I like it. But that wasn't always the case for me. In my late teen years, and my early 20's, I had so many things going on in my life. I bet if I blogged then, I would have been an endless fount of humorous stories, not to mention embarrassing encounters.

Being a young, a fresh faced filly with fewer notions of what life is all about was fun. Although, I wouldn't want to take that step back in time to see myself, that is for sure. My responsibility back then totaled working, paying for my car, and keeping myself alive. How I kept enough money for rent and food is mind boggling. I should probably thank my parents again asap. But the selfish young woman I used to be didn't dwell on that sort of thing. I was good as long as I had money to go drinking Tuesdays through Thursdays. That is all did for a year.

I was a total idiot. I could think of 1,000,000 things that could have gone horribly wrong. Thankfully, I stayed out of trouble and had great friends always looking out for me. Sadly, I did lose a friend to a horrific accident one night after he left a club. For some reason, I was not out with my usual group that night. The shock was enough to make me realize that getting drunk and driving, or getting in anyone's car that had been drinking was the very last thing I ever wanted to do again. It hit too close to home. I would like to say that it is all my dearly departed friend Carlo's fault for making me grow up, but it wasn't. While his accident was a shock to us all, I was already on my way to realizing that partying all night and not remembering how I got home was not how I wanted to live my life.

I have seen quite a few people in my life fail to learn that same lesson I did. More than one I have been very close to. Oh, their past and current transgressions are not going to be fodder for my blog. But I will say this. You want to destroy your life? I can't stop you. If you feel the need to put another human's life on the line because you are too selfish and blind to really think about what you are doing? You are damn right I will say something. Don't brag about it either. I will cut you down, I will do what I need to do to protect my fellow human beings from you. I wasn't right when I did it, and you are far from right doing it as a grown person. You have kids? It makes you even worse.

My advice to anyone that wants to brag about or announce that you are going to do something as stupid as drink and drive: Don't be surprised if someone comments negatively. If you think that person doesn't care, well then your extra dumb. They probably do care enough to say something. You don't deserve it, but hey, we can't all be ass-hats like you. Am I better than you? You bet I am. I grew up, and have taken responsibility for myself as a human. You want to be as awesome as me? It's not too late to grow up. Stop being a burden on everyone else.Does this hurt your feelings? I hope it hurts you so bad, you decide to become the opposite of the person I have described you as in this post. I hope that some day soon I will be proud to love you again, and want you back in my life. For now, get the hell off the road, and get out of my way.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Jaws of Life and Sewing Go Hand in Hand

This past weekend was the kind of weekend I like. I was spread thin amongst everyone, but I had fun. First of all my beautiful niece turned 1 on Friday. She was just the cutest cherub the entire time, even when she was fussy. Did you know you can make a roomful of 6 foot 200lb+ men into mush? Yea just put this girl into a room with her uncles, daddy and grandpa. The second she cried she had all of them calling her name, trying to make her smile, and distracting her. Bow down to her, she is all powerful!

For those of you who only had boys, you got robbed. The cutest clothes are for girls only. My niece got a strawberry outfit. A STRAWBERRY! The cuteness of it will blind you. I was struck speechless at the undeniably adorable fluffy skirt and leggings that came with it.  Even manly men will say "AWW". Sure you can buy boys cute shirts with dinos on them. We buy that stuff for Hayden all the time. But nothing comes close to dressing up your precious bambina in a fruit themed outfit. You can't dress a boy up like fruit unless it is Halloween, and even then people wonder why you didn't do spiderman or batman.

Any-who, I took Hayden to my niece's party as my date because Steve had continuing ed class. As usual he was handsome, well behaved,  and shy around the girls. He ate cake and kept me entertained. What more could you ask for? He even went to HEB with me, and was a good sport about it. (He must be related to me, because he hates HEB as much as I do) So I spoiled the heck out of him like Aunties do, and let him get whatever he wanted. He got a chocolate doughnut, pork rinds, Fruit by the Foot, a motorcycle toy and M&M's. (the essentials) Of course he didn't eat the doughnut, ate 1/2 a bag of the pork rinds, didn't open his Fruit by the Foot, and shared his M&M's with Gigi. His mom tried to reprimand me for spoiling him, but you know what? I am bigger and older than she is. I don't have to listen to her, nanny-nanny boo-boo!

I did spend time with adults this weekend. I went to a co-workers birthday party for an entire hour. It was fun. Sunday I went shopping with Crystal, and had a very unhurried and relaxed time. Until I went to buy work pants. That was a waste of time. I did however, get a nice shirt and a sweater thanks to Crissy. I decided I was going to make work pants. So I we went to JoAnn's. I found a pattern for an entire outfit, for $.99. Rock on! We also found a pattern for a purse, and I told Crystal I would make it for her! I figured out what materials, and all the notions and such. I went to the counter and while we waited, I realized that the purse called for something called "interfacing".

I know about interfacing in computing, and I know nothing of sewing. I was struck clueless. The lady at the counter took our fabric, and started cutting as I instructed. I asked her what interfacing was. She said "You have never sewn anything before have you?" I shook my head, and she took pity on me. Right then and there she gave me a crash course on sewing. She was awesome. Not one person waiting in line behind us begrudged me my impromptu lesson either. She went so far as to show me how to read the patterns. I told her I would come by and show her my work. I purchased the things I would need, and got home only to realize the purse pattern that she was reading from was not in my bag. I must have left it on the counter. DUH!!

So the purse project is second. I will make the pants first. I should have chosen something easier to start with, like pillows. I will probably end up with something that closely resembles MC Hammer pants.

Although, this combined with the Theo shirt could be a great Halloween costume! Who wants to be MC THEO this year???

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound right? If you happen to pass by my house in the next few evenings, and hear mumbled cursing and odd crying, that is just me, trying to figure out what the heck I am doing. If you see ambulances at my house, that is because I sewed my hand to my pants, and in my panic, got tangled up the thread. They will have to call in the jaws of life to separate me and my sewing machine. It's okay, I have good insurance.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Let There Be Light

This morning was like every weekday morning for the past 2 years. I woke up late, and got ready in a rush. I drove to the office, and walked through the door cringing. I haven't even sat at my desk and my blood pressure is up. I have been trying to change this, but the job market is lacking down here, just like the rest of America. Also, I am thinking about getting out of the insurance business. What is my long term goal? I would love to open a bakery with my sister. We have talked about it many times. We both love to cook, and we know it would be fun. But the probability of making a successful business down here is slim. Two separate cupcake bakeries alone have set up shop here in Corpus recently. I haven't been to either of them yet, but I hope to check them out soon enough.

I find that my hopes aren't crushed entirely. I had a light bulb come on over my head today... Ever thought about hiring a personal chef or shopper? How about in-home cooking lessons? I remember a time when my sister could barely boil water. She has become an amazing cook, and I couldn't be prouder. But there were times when she would call my mother or myself half a dozen times while trying a recipe. Now she can out-cook Paula Deen. Seriously. I would put money on it!

I remember cooking with her, teaching her what she needed in her kitchen, and what spices to buy. Where her kitchen was once bare, it is now a veritable plethora of kitchen gadgets. She was my first student in the culinary arts. It was fun to get her up and going. Now I am the one calling her asking for dinner ideas. Just don't feel like cooking? Call me. I will go to the store, prepare your meal, and slip out the backdoor before you can say "chicken cordon bleu". Always wanted to learn how to make it? I'll teach you what ever you want to know. The ideas keep on coming. It is like catering, but on a smaller scale, and much more flexible.

It excites me to think that there is a way of getting out from under the line of bad bosses and selfish owners that I have worked for in recent years. Even if I only do it on the weekends and evenings right now. It is a start. If it doesn't work out, I could always get a job at the Bright Idea Factory.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Have Road Rage, Will Travel

While I wait for office internet to once again be raised from the dead, (this is getting old) I shall review the rules of morning traffic on the Enchilada 500. (AKA  S.P.I.D. and The Crosstown Expressway) I have been a driver in this daily test of endurance and stupidity for several years now, and thankfully have only had to deal with a flat tire myself. It could have been much, much worse.  Every week I see new horrors on that expressway, and I give a shiver of thanks that I was not the receiving end. But even the savages that clog this city’s main artery have rules. These rules, they are made to be broken. In fact one would say that in order to be a good driver, you would run screaming from these rules. I try to break them as often as I can. Yea, I’m a bad girl!

Rule 1: Drive as if you are the only person on the road.
Rule 2: We don’t need no stinking blinkers.
Rule 3: If there is half a car length between two cars, go head and try to squeeze in there, they will just have to make space.
Rule 4: If someone needs to get over into your lane, and has the AUDACITY to put their blinker on to indicate as such, you had better speed up and ride the bumper in front of you. You were first! Don’t let them win this race!
Rule 5: Ride your breaks.
Rule 6: Slam on your breaks for no reason. That way, people 1 mile back get to come to a dead stop.  (It is science, I can’t explain it)
Rule 7: Talk on your phone, apply your make up, eat soup, and floss your teeth while driving.
Rule 8: When someone offends you with their driving, you have 2 choices, either ride their bumper as close as you can, or move to the next lane, speed up and cut them off. To add an extra kick, see rule 6.
Rule 9: When you approach the scene of an accident, you are to slow down to 2 mph, and crane your neck as far out as you can. Yes, even if it is just a minor fender bender.
Rule 10: Be rude. (To what degree should you be rude? It is up to you. You can tell what the situation calls for. Flip people off, and scream f-you, or point and laugh, possibly even follow them to their destination and scream at them from your car.)

I know that sadly, many people all over the world observe these rules. They are not unique to my town. Although I like to think, we do it with an ethnic flair all our own due to our South Texas location. My concern is some day not too far off, my nephews and niece will be out there on those roads. I hope and wish for the teleportation technology to hurry up and be our main mode of transportation every day. I do it not only for myself, but for my loved ones.

I am not sure if it is just me that notices it, but drivers have become crazier, and less concerned about the other humans around them. I am not sure what it is, that is making this drastic increase in idiots on the road, but my suspicions are that people are smoking crack before they get in the car and drive. Only crack heads could behave so erratically. Well, that, and hormonal women. But we can’t always blame women now can we? Because that dude in the jacked up 4x4 jeep who is currently weaving in and out of traffic like a maniac, is just as bad.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Just Call Me: "Holly Hobby"

On the weekend, there are 3 things I like to do. Sleep in is el numero uno. Don’t judge me! I don’t have kids!  The second thing I like to do is hang out with my loved ones. I get to see my sister, and nephews, and sometimes my parents, if they aren’t off doing weird old people things like sitting in the South Texas brush play “camping” in their trailer. The third thing I like to is to dabble in my hobbies.  Reading and cooking are my go to hobbies. Even though I do both things during the week, I consider those week days just warm-ups. The weekend is where I really work it out. I can read a book a day on the weekends. Not short books either, normal novel length somewhere around 500 pages and up.

Weekend cooking is when I do my best experimenting. Last weekend, I made doughnuts. This weekend I am on a mission to conquer bread. You may say, “Baking bread is not brain surgery!” But it is, for me.  I never mastered the yeast breads in cooking school. And as my Pappy would tell you, he never got even a single biscuit out of that training he paid for! But, If I can master my arch-nemesis cheesecake, which I did several months ago, I can handle bread.

The newest hobby I have added to my to-do list is sewing. My mom did it all the time when I was a kid. She made some super cool stuff. I have tried once or twice, and I end up confused and with a shirt looking like the one Lisa Cosby made for her brother Theo…

 I would love to take a crack at making my clothes, and save some cash. I know you don’t decide to paint and then start copying Renoir’s work. But I asked Santa for a sewing machine, and lo, the Santa hath provided. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) So I am going to start out making something very simple. I will let you know what I choose, and depending on my level of success, I will post pictures. When I say level of success, I mean if it is crappy, you will see what it looks like, if it is awesome, well I may hint to it, but no one likes a bragger.

Also this weekend, I set a goal to clean out my closet. I have things in there that haven’t seen the light of day for 13 years or more. Which in junk years it isn’t much, but honestly, I have things I kept for sentimental reasons that do not need to be held onto any longer. Such as one year in high school, I decided to shave off the bottom half of my ponytail. I was being a rebel, and thought it was cool. I kept that hunk of hair. I have carried it to remind me of, how dumb I was? Nope, that isn’t right. Maybe how my shampoo smelled? Nope that’s not it either. I honestly don’t know why I have it. Maybe it is to remind me that I ALMOST got away with it. My mom would have never noticed. But, after it had grown back a few inches, she had taken me to the doctor. My Uncle Alan happened to be there in the waiting room with my cousin Jr. He took one look at me, and asked me what the hell I did to my hair. Ever been chewed out in the doctors’ office by your mom in front of a roomful of strangers? My Uncle Alan was amused, I however, was not. I think it is time to get rid of a random baggie of hair that I have moved around with me to 5 apartments, my parent’s house x 2, and now, my home.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

My Addiction: The Internet

I can’t imagine what life would be like without computers or internet. I depend heavily on both for everything, including my job. When the internet at the office is down, I want to throw a temper tantrum. “I CAN’T SERVICE MY CLIENTS! I CAN’T DOWNLOAD FORMS! I CAN’T WATCH CUTE KITTEN VIDEOS!” (Imagine me stomping my feet and throwing things) It really isn’t that bad. You know why? I have internet on my cell phone! I am never without it, except for today of course. I didn’t charge my phone last night, and it is close to dead. I don’t have a charger here at the office. It is official. I am internet free, at least until the IT guy comes and fixes the problem. Till then, I still have a little bit of technology to keep me going. It is like when an ex smoker has a relapse and they go digging into their junk drawers for a very old, very stale cigarette.

The first crusty old piece of technology I can lay my hands on is my computer. How did this go from I can’t live my life without it, to crusty and old? Well it is just an internet delivery device. I am not like my husband. Uber graphics mean very little to me. Fast processors and such are cool, but can I watch You Tube? Does the version of Firefox or Windows explorer support all the apps and add-ons of Facebook? Can I search for a new chicken recipe faster than it would take to call someone? Can I upload my pictures and have them conveniently printed out anywhere I want in town? I can go on, but I think you get the idea. It is the magical internet that holds what I seek. Not so much the computer it’s self. It is more like a severely upgraded typewriter, especially on a day like today.

Speaking of typewriters, I have one. Yes, really. The entire office has them. Ancient technology! Do I use it? Rarely. I surprised myself by even knowing how to operate the damn thing. I haven’t been in an office with a typewriter since I started in the insurance business. I realized when I came to work here that things were a little behind. Then after my first week here, I uncovered that this office was still working at the slate quarry in Flintstones times. My first order of business was to get our systems upgraded, as well as our printers. I am proud to say that I am the reason we no longer have to take notes with a chisel and hammer. To celebrate, they had a copy paper parade for me down our coffee stained hallway.

I guess my point, if I really have one, is I am addicted to the internet. If I want to know more about quantum mechanics, I just look it up! Have a song that you haven't heard in a while? Google it. Are we more informed than our mothers and fathers were at our age? I think so. Are we better for it? Yes and no. There are times I look at the drivel that people put on websites and wonder what they are thinking. Sometimes the internet is a lifesaver, and others it is a time wasting encyclopedia of garbage. I guess it depends on how you use it.

Monday, January 3, 2011

People Like Shoes

I figured it was time for some "me" time. That is why I started this blog. Sometimes you just gotta put yourself out there. How better to express my silly and often times misunderstood self? I can post here as often/little as I want! No commitment. When I get bored I can just walk away! So few things I can do that with these days, I really must keep these types of options open. Take knitting for instance. Boorrrriinng. So I felt totally fine with not pursuing it further. When I want to stop being committed to, say, paying bills, they start turning stuff off, and taking things away. Boo. It is no fun to come home to no power. So I will blog, as long as it keeps my attention that is. So if you start reading this, don't get too attached. I may give it up tomorrow!

A little bit about me: I love tattoos, and whiskey. I smoke, and cuss like a sailor. I am a highly sexual being *wink wink*. I also love chasing my nephew, and baking sweets for my loved ones. I am the auntie that does art projects with the kids for every season. I demand to have random parties for occasions such as this past years "back to school party". I give sappy sweet pictures of my family to my family. I cry while watching movies and TV shows. I mean, I am 1/2 redneck woman, and 1/2 June Cleaver. Even my SUV has a tailgate!! I mean how much more confusing can a person get?!

Well, I am not that confusing. I am just a normal woman. Promise. I know there are tons of women out there that hold my same qualities. I am not speh-shul. I have insecurities, and certain times of the month when I am ready to snap people in two. I hate things like the "N" word and brussel sprouts. (Blech!) I don't get along with people that think that because they have had a shitty life, you should too. I refuse to wear pantyhose, and rarely wear heels any more. I am messy. I am opinionated, and not afraid to tell you that you are wrong. I will admit when I am wrong, but only if you don't bully me into it. I have morals and I pity those who don't. See, like I said, I'm normal.

  Thankfully I have a mostly normal life. Right now it is just me, my hubby, three cats and a dog. I want babies, we just haven't been lucky yet. I really don't like when people ask when we are having kids. I mean, what are you gonna say when I tell you we have been trying for a while? I know what you will say. "It will happen." "Relax and it will happen." "You are still young and have plenty of time!" "Take a vacation!" "Stop trying and it will happen!" "Adopt and it will happen!" It is nice of you to try to keep my hopes up. It really is. But you know what? Don't say those things to ANYONE trying to get pregnant. It is annoying and redundant. I'm just saying. There is no cure all for infertility. Next time you feel like asking someone when they are going to have kids, don't. Instead, tell them they have nice shoes. Even ask where they got them. People like shoes.