Welcome to the Show!

Welcome to the Show!
This is the story of my life.
It isn't much, but it is mine. It can be a zoo.

Please keep your hands and feet tucked in at all times.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

What You Know About BBQ and Boat Motors?!

One more day and we are free for a long and lovely weekend! I like extra time off as I am sure everyone else does. Most people travel out of town, go camping, or maybe go to the beach. Almost everyone barbecues, especially if you live here in South Texas. It is tradition, and you just don't mess with it. Some celebrate our troops with parades and yellow ribbons. We do the 'que. This year, I too will be roasting a large chunk of beef on an open flame, but I will be doing it while in a fierce battle of smoke and wood chips. My sister has got me wrapped up in a brisket cooking competition this Saturday.

Now I can make a mean brisket, complete with mom's homemade nosterque sauce. But I prefer to cook it in a roaster while it bathes in beer. In a competition, people that use roasters usually get shot and dumped on the curb. So, armed with my brother in law's baby pit, some choice selections of mesquite, and hopes and prayers that no one finds out my roasting secret, my sister and I will attempt to cook a mouthwatering succulent slab-o-beef complete with picture perfect smoke ring. We are hoping our kitchen smarts, bloodlines of excellent outdoor chefs, and possibly even our good looks and charm will help us produce BBQ magic.

But that just takes care of Saturday. No weekend would be complete without an action packed schedule, but I don't really have one. I'm playing it by ear. I know it is risky business, but you know as long as I have fun, I really don't care. I do feel like cooking something grand in the kitchen. I am not sure what yet, but I assure you, it will be grand. I do have that daunting/exciting landscaping project to start, possibly that will find it's way onto my to do list. But far too often, I am so busy I can't even dryer-iron a t-shirt before I am out the door. I plan to go where the wind takes me this weekend. Even if that is back to bed at 10 am.

I must say that I am so very proud of My Piggly-wiggly. (my nephew Hayden) He graduated kindergarten with flying colors. He is onto first grade, and able to count to 150, and pretty much read anything that is written on a boat motor. I mean, sure he can read other words, but he really excels in boat motors. Yamaha, Evinrude, Mercury... it is uncanny! We have raised a certified redneck genius! He can also recognise several types of game birds, and fish. Genius! Did I mention he is adorible too? I am telling you this kid is awesome!! I am sad to report that in almost two weeks, he will be turning 6. He is growing up entirely too fast for my liking. He can whistle, and is still working on snapping his fingers. His Uncle Beebs and I are already srategizing for a most awesome boat cake. I hope it blows his redneck genius mind. He totally deserves it, because he is my baby, and I say so.

Hayden had a dream... and then it came true!!

I hope you all have a happy fantastic and mostly safe Memorial day weekend. Be thankful of those that are willing to get jipped in pay just to be shot at to defend our freedoms. You wouldn't be reading this if it weren't for thier sacrifices.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Bloggity Blog Blog Blog

Look at me! I'm blogging!! Well, I have been blogging since January, and I have stuck with it so far. I am proud of myself. It really isn't something to celebrate, but it is nice to think that I haven't grown bored with it. I tell everyone who complains about being bored to occupy themselves with a blog. It takes up as much time as you want it to, and the only person you need to please is yourself. You have no one's expectations to meet but your own! (That can be good and bad)

I write about me, and my life, and the things I deem important. " I am not keeping up with the Jones' ". I am not out to impress anyone. I do attempt to be funny, but I live to amuse myself. If it makes someone else laugh, well it is just an extra bonus!! Who doesn't like bonuses!? No one criticizes me here. If they did, I would delete their negative comments. Who goes to someones blog and says something crappy about them?? Crappy people do, that is who! Freedom of speech!! Freedom to delete negative and useless comments!

There are a few guidelines that I hope you would follow if you do decide to write your own blog:

1. Your Alligator Mouth is Overloading Your Tadpole Butt

Never air your filthy dirty laundry unless doing it subtly and with no names. You can't go in guns ablaze talking smack about your mother in law, your husband, a neighbor, or anyone else for that matter. People read your posts even if they don't tell you they are. Also, if they google your name, your blog will probably come up. If you don't care, then by all means tell us about it. But if you would rather not have conflict, then don't tell everyone how your mother in law's feet look like two callused bear paws that smell like skunk pee and what not. Because even if she doesn't do internet, your spouse's cousin or distant relative can still read it! It will get back to them!!

2. T.M.I.

Too much info. Knowing when to stop is often an issue with some people. Info on your sex life isn't needed, unless it is a sidesplitting funny story that you have tested and tried in an audience of friends and family and they didn't barf or shake their head and walk away. Details on bowl movements are strictly prohibited. Now if you poop your pants, go ahead and share. We just don't need to know your stool analysis thank you very much. Just the story, not the gruesome details. If someone wants to ask more questions, that is what the comments section is for.

3. Don't Be a Snake Oil Salesman

I am happy you think that you have found the next miracle food, but I am not buying it. Don't try to recruit me for your fad diets, they don't work for me, you ,or anyone you know. Suggestions are always good, but don't post about products unless it is a review. Sometimes people are entrepreneurs and that is fine. But if you don't believe in what you are selling, or are out to make a quick buck, know that we, your readers don't care. Also, I will make fun of you. (but not in my blog)

4. When in Doubt, Snopes it

I can't tell you how annoying and ignorant some people come off as when I see people passing on information that was sent in a chain e-mail or a Facebook post. I realize that most people don't do it to be malicious, but fear mongering is contagious. You must be aware that not everything you read is true. I know you know this. So I plead, and beg of you that the next time you get an e-mail or see a Facebook post asking you to send this little boy a Christmas card because it is his dying wish, you check it out and make sure it is legit or still valid. Because the other nice and sweet people that read this and spring to action don't find out that the little boy passed away last year, and are flooding his parents home with unwanted cards!! Sad but true story: (http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/medical/elfrink.asp)

5. Don't Try So Hard

You start a blog! You write! You post! You can't think of anything! Your brain is smoking from the effort to come up with a good post idea. Put out that fire in your cranium, cause you are stinking up the place. You have no minimum or maximum amount of posts to write. Write as often as you want to. If you don't like it, then give up. No one is holding a gun to your head. I am merely suggesting you write, I won't be disappointed if you don't. (maybe just a little) If you don't know what to write, start going over your day, was there anything that made you mad, or sad, or LOL? Did you notice that 3 out of 4 cars at stop lights had nose pickers in them?? Write about it. It may not be profound or earth shattering but I tell you most of us notice the same things, we mostly just don't talk about it. It will be funny, and possibly a little gross, but you might surprise yourself, and enjoy your own writing. I know I do, but then again, I like to amuse myself.

Friday, May 20, 2011

No Zombies Allowed in My Garden

Friday May 21st, 2011 @ 6pm......


 Hayden and I will be watching Sponge Bob, and eating dinner. Nothing is going to happen. Please do not panic. Although, if you have a nice house and or a nice car, you can leave out the keys in a convenient spot and text me the location. Also, I like chocolate. If I am running from zombies and earthquakes, the least you could do is leave me some food. Take pity on your heathen friends please! It will be okay. Promise. But some day the zombies might come, and if they do, please see the link at the bottom of my page that will help you prepare.

With that P.S.A. out of the way, I have exciting (but not too exciting news). My computer parts are here! YAY! Steve is building my personal cybers space hayabusa, and I am ready to ride baby!!! Hopefully soon, I will be clacking away at my desk in our home office. I have things to write about, don't you know?! Also, we are going to start working on re-landscaping our back yard, and I get to make all of the design decisions!! I know this doesn't seem like much, but it really is. Steve and I argued (ARGUED!!) over if we should paint the ceiling in the living room to match our walls when we first bought the house. I know it seem absurd, but we are both strong-minded individuals and he likes interior design. We discussed paint till we were azul blue in the face! When he said he was giving me the reigns to the back yard, I was astounded, and so very happy. Because I have very specific plans in mind, and I am ready to rock and roll! Step one: Rent a tiller and buy some manure. (how fun! poo shopping!) Thus concludes my happy fun time announcements.

This weekend, I plan on having fun with my nephew, having a great time with my bestie Leslie, and getting in some girl time and a pedi and lunch on Sunday. Who says it is the end of the world? I have plans, and I plan on keeping them people!! Also, since zombies trample gardens, they are not welcome at my house. So, if you see someone at Home Depot or Lowes that looks excited about buying poop and dirt, that would be me. I have always had a secret garden fantasy since I was a kid, and my mom suggested I read that book. I don't want the odd cousin that blathers on about "THE MAGIC", I just want a secret garden that I can retreat to, and enjoy the fruits of my labors. Also, I need gardening lessons. Anyone care to help? :-)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Story of How Our Back Yard Became the Sahara Desert

Ever since my husband mentioned us doing yard work this weekend, I have been dreading it. We won't be just mowing, we will be chopping, and cutting and digging in the sand. I am sure most of you are thinking to yourself "What's the big deal? I do yard work once a week!" Well, good for you! I am willing to bet your yard is lovely and you are able to do cartwheels across it without getting covered in stickers too. Well, we are not so lucky. I would prefer to show you why my yard is the exception through interpretative dance. Except, I would use so much gas getting to each one of you, we would be eating ramen for the rest of the year. Since it is unhealthy to eat all of that salt, I have chosen a series of stolen internet pictures to illustrate my pain and agony.

Exhibit A. Crab Grass. It is mainly what our yard consisted of. I had a great idea! Lets dig these up!!

Also, we had this thing called a sea hibiscus that was planted next to the fence in our back yard....

Exhibit B. Sea Hibiscus. This is a gigantic plant. Ours is half this size and no less than 2 stories tall.

So our crab grass removal and the hard freeze we had this winter left our back yard looking like this:

Exhibit C. The Sahara. This was all that was left of our back yard after the crab grass. 

Exhibit D. Dead sea hibiscus. 2 stories tall. About 1 thousand individual stalks to chop up.

There are tiny patches of actual grass clinging to the sand . It really isn't much, but it is enough that it needs to be mowed down. Ever mowed at the beach? No you haven't, and with good reason!
Exhibit E. Sand storm. Is that a sand storm coming? Nope, it is just April and Steve mowing the back yard!

 But I have grand plans! (don't we all?) I don't want to be able to raise camels in my back yard. I want it to be pretty, and kid friendly.
This is what I aspire for. A barefoot baby's dream!!

But I couldn't grow a flower and keep it living even if I was made of potting soil and cried tears of Miracle Grow. I am nothing like my grandparents. They could plunk a withered old seed into the ground, and 3 months later have a Garden of Eden. I inherited the black thumb of flora death. I am known in the plant world as the grim reaper. I killed hard to kill, natively growing rosemary in less than a week. I need automatic sprinklers and Paul James from Gardening By the Yard to come to my house and give me some lessons. If you are reading this Paul James... I NEED YOUR HELP!!!