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This is the story of my life.
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Monday, April 29, 2013

Parenting 101: You Are Doing It Wrong

Did you know that if you want to learn to take care of children you should learn to take care of your boss? I recently found out I have been walking around with the wrong ideas in my head for years! I am so ashamed. If I hadn't been shown the error of my ways, there is no telling how my future children would have been raised. I feel like I should be writing this knowledge down. Therefore, I've made a list of what should be the hottest new child rearing preparation lessons. This is 100% free folks! You are welcome.

1. The boss/child wants everything they ask for ten minutes ago. Regardless of how pointless, or important the demand is, your job as a parent/employee is to cater to their every command. No matter if it's cookies before dinner, or finding out why the mailman was late bringing the mail today. Just do it, now.

2. Your boss/child is to be coddled and soothed during raging temper tantrums. Rush around and do everything you possibly can to make them happy. It doesn't matter what started it or how irrational the behavior is. Do not try reasoning or defending yourself, that's not your place.

3. Your boss/child is the only person you should pay attention to. Ever. You should train your ears to only listen to and for the sound of their voice. Sonic hearing aids could help in this. Do what you must, but never be caught not listening to or hanging on their every word. If at any point you are perceived as not paying attention, but you really are listening, you are still not paying attention.

4. Your boss/child tells you what to do, how to do it, and how long it should take. If you didn't do it right the first time, you weren't listening to a thing they said. If you think weren't told to do something or how to do it, you are wrong. They surely told you, you just weren't listening.

5. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Your boss/child has an open door policy. Just don't expect the response you get to be without eye rolling or a visible show of aggravation because they must take the time to explain. This relates to rule 4 especially.

6. Your child/boss doesn't make special time for you every day. Don't interrupt play time or quiet time for your questions or issues. If you do happen to interrupt them, you deserve the reprimand/ lecture that will inevitably follow.

7. If you should need to take care of something that doesn't revolve around your boss/child be prepared to take a guilt trip. This is almost always followed by a closed door dissertation on the importance of your loyalty to your boss/child. You must be reminded of who you work for and or take care of.

8. If someone should ask you a question in front of your child/boss, make sure to direct all questions to them. You haven't been doing this long enough to answer questions. Refer to rules 4 and 5.

9. Being friends with another employee/parent from a different department/play group is not prohibited, but strongly cautioned against. If you should choose to have a friendship with another employee/parent, a warning will be issued in a closed door dissertation on the importance of your loyalty to your boss/child.

10. Part of your job as an employee/parent is to take accountability for things not in your control or responsibility. If someone needs to be blamed quickly for issues or the diffusion of a situation, it will be you. Take the blame like a champ and never refuse to shoulder the blame. You took this job as an employee/parent. You signed the scapegoat forms when you signed the application/birth certificate/ adoption papers. If you didn't read that part, that's your fault too. You weren't paying attention.

Of course this list is complete b.s. for those who can't tell I'm being sarcastic. I really was told that I should be able to take care of my boss if I want to be able to properly take care of children. No lie. I didn't say anything to the person who told me this. I just walked away. I find I express my anger and outrage at one of the most ridiculous pieces of advice I've ever heard best in sarcasm.

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