Welcome to the Show!

Welcome to the Show!
This is the story of my life.
It isn't much, but it is mine. It can be a zoo.

Please keep your hands and feet tucked in at all times.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Infernum Canem Profluvium Disease

Sounds like a deadly disease doesn't it? Well it is. The danger creeps up on you. The symptoms are hard to diagnose at first, but there are a few things to look for. As it starts out, it  makes you feel like you are so lost in love and adoration for your small, furry, and scared animal that you just don't want to put her down. Then before you know it, you could  find yourself face down in the backyard at 3am trying to get some sleep after a long night of, well, I won't spoil it. I really don't want to alarm you, but someone needs to be honest, and tell you how it really is. This is the perfect cure for puppy fever. (not to be confused with Baby fever, or Bieber-fever.)

It's only been one week! It will get better right??

You don't know what you will be reduced to once the disease takes over. Each person takes it differently. I started out sleepy, and just days later, woke up late for work, and looking like death. My first week with my new puppy went smoothly. She had very few accidents, she was making friends with everyone in the house. It was probably the best new animal introduction I have ever had. But ever so slowly, she made her way from snuggling angel to Lucifina devil dog. It began with not getting into her crate at bed time. At first, both dogs slipped right in as soon as I prompted with the phrase "good night". Perfect. Soon, she had decided that bed time was NOT for her, and she would hide under the bed. I could coax her out, and take her to her crate. Then, coaxing turned to tricking, and tricking turned into, "GET IN YOUR CRATE OR I WILL EAT YOU!" 

So tired! But not hungry anymore...

The second issue, and certainly the most tiring, is the crying. Just for perspective, a vacuum cleaner's sound is somewhere around 70 decibels. I am confident that Miss Lillian reaches no less than 100 decibels. Which is as loud as, a jet take off. She doesn't just cry, she screams, screeches, and wails. She "yipes" and otherwise howls her displeasure at any situation. I am sorry neighbors. When I let the dogs out at 5:30 am, and she complains at the door. When she is put in her crate, she complains. When there is no food, or the cat won't pay attention she complains. Yes, she is a whiny little puppy. But she doesn't bark at strangers, or other dogs. She barks like she is cussing you out with the worst words a puppy could know. Thankfully she usually doesn't cry very long and goes to sleep pretty quickly most nights. But, at 3 am, when we are in a deep sleep, she knows exactly what to do to make me fly out of bed like the sheets are on fire. It terrifies me, because in my sleep, it sounds painful and scary.  But I never know if she is just mad and wants to get out and play, or if it is something worse.

Her puppy breath has a decidedly "brimstone" smell.

The "something worse" is an entirely separate and rather disgusting topic. But, because I am trying to save you from pain later, I will have to get into detail. Let's say, your new puppy, in all her pokey-puppy like charms eats a certain food at the times of your choosing. You do this to monitor her food intake, and her bathroom habits, because you are trying to be smart. But let's say, your pokey puppy finds the cat food, and nibbles, and then daddy gives a few tasty morsels form the table. These could be potential issues, but manageable. Now let's say that said pokey puppy, and her partner in crime brother eat almost an entire package of girl scout cookies. How they got these cookies? Hans is a master cookie thief, and jumped on the table while I had my back turned. How do you think that effects the bathroom problems? A shitty effect you say? A very shitty effect indeed!  The very next night, at 12:30 am, she woke me up making such a racket. I waited for her to calm back down, but she didn't. I got up to check the situation, and sure enough, my closet floor had been redecorated in smelly brown splatters. Rinse and repeat 4 more times until 5:30 am, and there you have it, puppy love of a different kind. 

Don't make eye contact. She will scramble your brain!!
 No one mentions these things when you get a puppy. You hear about the chewing, and the destroying most often, and she does that too. But don't forget behind these glossy puppy eyes, is a poop machine of demonic proportions, who can keep you up all night with her super sonic puppy crying powers, and makes you chase her down to get her outside before she poops all over your house. Don't say you haven't been warned.

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