While I wait for office internet to once again be raised from the dead, (this is getting old) I shall review the rules of morning traffic on the Enchilada 500. (AKA S.P.I.D. and The Crosstown Expressway) I have been a driver in this daily test of endurance and stupidity for several years now, and thankfully have only had to deal with a flat tire myself. It could have been much, much worse. Every week I see new horrors on that expressway, and I give a shiver of thanks that I was not the receiving end. But even the savages that clog this city’s main artery have rules. These rules, they are made to be broken. In fact one would say that in order to be a good driver, you would run screaming from these rules. I try to break them as often as I can. Yea, I’m a bad girl!
Rule 1: Drive as if you are the only person on the road.
Rule 2: We don’t need no stinking blinkers.
Rule 3: If there is half a car length between two cars, go head and try to squeeze in there, they will just have to make space.
Rule 4: If someone needs to get over into your lane, and has the AUDACITY to put their blinker on to indicate as such, you had better speed up and ride the bumper in front of you. You were first! Don’t let them win this race!
Rule 5: Ride your breaks.
Rule 6: Slam on your breaks for no reason. That way, people 1 mile back get to come to a dead stop. (It is science, I can’t explain it)
Rule 7: Talk on your phone, apply your make up, eat soup, and floss your teeth while driving.
Rule 8: When someone offends you with their driving, you have 2 choices, either ride their bumper as close as you can, or move to the next lane, speed up and cut them off. To add an extra kick, see rule 6.
Rule 9: When you approach the scene of an accident, you are to slow down to 2 mph, and crane your neck as far out as you can. Yes, even if it is just a minor fender bender.
Rule 10: Be rude. (To what degree should you be rude? It is up to you. You can tell what the situation calls for. Flip people off, and scream f-you, or point and laugh, possibly even follow them to their destination and scream at them from your car.)
I know that sadly, many people all over the world observe these rules. They are not unique to my town. Although I like to think, we do it with an ethnic flair all our own due to our South Texas location. My concern is some day not too far off, my nephews and niece will be out there on those roads. I hope and wish for the teleportation technology to hurry up and be our main mode of transportation every day. I do it not only for myself, but for my loved ones.
I am not sure if it is just me that notices it, but drivers have become crazier, and less concerned about the other humans around them. I am not sure what it is, that is making this drastic increase in idiots on the road, but my suspicions are that people are smoking crack before they get in the car and drive. Only crack heads could behave so erratically. Well, that, and hormonal women. But we can’t always blame women now can we? Because that dude in the jacked up 4x4 jeep who is currently weaving in and out of traffic like a maniac, is just as bad.